this is me
this is everything there is to know about me


my fears

I fear not being loved
I fear being lonley
I fear letting go because i feel.
'If i do there will nothing for me
'To grab onto when its time to come
'Back.
I fear not being myself
I fear how people realy think about
'Me.
I fear i won't have a future alone
'Or with anyone.
I fear my family will turn out just like
'My family.
I fear that someday someone will love me
'And i won't know how to react. i fear i will
'Sabotoge my relationship
I fear i alredy sabotage my relationships
'In defense so i can be unhappy.
'(Sorry Cutie)
I fear that when i do find someone to love
'She will not love me.
I fear i will never fall in love.
I fear being left out.
I fear that some day no one will need me
'and that no one will miss me when I am gone.
I Fear not loving enough.
I fear I love to easyly.
I fear that my childhood ruined me.
I fear my past.
I fear bringing up the past when.
'others are around for fear that i might cry.
I fear my emotion, i don't know how
'to use them.
I fear meeting my father because when
'I do see him I will cry, because i hate him
'so much for not wanting to find me.
I fear i will never be a good father
'Or husband when i do get married and have a family.
i fear i am to selfless. i think i care
'about other peoples feelings to much.
I fear that me needing to be in a relationship
'is what kills it off.
I fear that i smother my relationships out
'because i don't know how to be in one.
I fear that every decision that i make
'in life is wrong, so i alwys second guess myself.
I fear a friend of mine is going to go back
'to a relationship that is not filled with love, but
'fueled by jealousy. in that she might find happiness
'and leave him behind.


my goals

My goal in life is to buy a two story house.
Get married to a beautiful woman.
Fall in love with that woman before i get married of caurse.
Raise a family, 1 boy and 1 girl to start.
Love my family with all my heart, and always
'Let them know that i do love them.
Learn to be happy with myself.
Learn not to fear every little thing.
Raise a family that is nothing like my family.

What I Think

i think that my mother telling me
that she wishes she did not give birth
to me, (and My Sister and brother) may have altered how i feel
toward other. i felt my heart has been
crushed before i larned how to love.

I think if given a chance
that when i do fall in love
with ?. that i could be the best
lover known to her.

I thin I fear letting go because
i have always been pushed away by my mother
when i did let go she forgot about me
and my brother and sisters. maybe because
all she thinks about is herself.

i think i want to fallin love so fast
so i can prove to myself that i am not
like my family. when i probably am.

i think that when my father left my
mother, that my life stopped. i don't think
it started again until i moved out of my mother
house. emotionaly that would make me only
eight years old.

i wish my father would have fought
to keep me. i think my life would ba alot
better had he done that. but i would have missed out on so much more. so in a way its not that bad.

kimmie. if you ever read this, i would like to say that
i am glad to have meet you, and share those few moments
that we did share together. you will always have
a special place in my heart., no matter how you choose
to live out the rest of your life. i just wish for you to
find happiness, try not to get hurt in anymore relationships.
I thank you, for every
thing that we have done together.

i think i miss the way may family
used to be when i was young. we all
seemed do happy back then. i just wish i could
go back and relive those very few happy days
that i did have.

this may not make sence, but this is
what is runnig thorugh my head all day.
yes i does suck. and yes i do cry every time i read this